A letter to the boys I let go..

I’m not even sure where these feelings came from. But, here I am looking back on my life and all the pain I’ve recently gone through. And two guys come to mind. Both of you were friends at one point, even my best friend. I was in a relationship but you, you were my go to. You were the one I’d get advice from when my relationship would struggle. You’re the shoulder I would cry on when it seemed things were falling apart. Somewhere along the lines you developed feelings for me. I think I had them for you too, but I was already committed to another man and there’s a line you just don’t cross. Well, here I am in my late 20’s…… Too afraid to date anyone. Too afraid to let anyone close to me and you show up in my thoughts. I can’t help but wonder what might have been. I owe you an apology. Because we were young and I was hiding behind a guy I had no business being in a relationship with. I didn’t love him but I was comfortable so I stayed. You told me you loved me. And I know you meant it. One of you almost proposed. I’ll never forget that moment. I was at your house just sitting there and the next thing I know, you got down on one knee and pulled out a little black box. I was only 18. And I was committed to my boyfriend. You were my bestfriend and all of a sudden time stopped and we’re in this moment that I can’t control. I can’t stop it or change it but I know it’s going to make or break us. I ran out before you could say a word. Our friendship slowly unraveled after that. Now I don’t know where you are or how to find you but both of you need to know how sorry I am. I wasted so much time with the wrong guy and I don’t know if you could’ve been the right guy but now I’ll never know. And sometimes late at night you creep into my mind and I hope you’re happy. I hope the girl you’re with loves you and treats you well. And I need you to know you’re in my thoughts. And if I ever had a second chance I’d do it right this time. We waste so much time with the wrong people because we don’t want to hurt those we care about. Or we don’t say the things in our hearts because we’re afraid of the out come. I don’t want to be afraid anymore. I loved you and I never told you, and now I’ll never get the chance…… but at least I’ve finally admitted it to myself.